Hansel and Gretel: The REAL Story
by shiz-party-boy
Summary: Sure, everyone knows the story of Hansel and Gretel, but what about their mother -- the one everyone dubs as evil? Well, really, she wasn't evil at all. In fact, she was down right nice. This is her story...


**Hansel & Gretel:**

**The _REAL_ Story**

Characters

(In order of appearance)

Gretchen (Narrator, and the mother)

Husband (Gretchen's husband)

Hansel (Their son)

Gretel (Their daughter)

Annette (The Fairy Godmother)

Edna Krubsack (A witch)

Scenes & Songs

Scene One: The Beginning

(Gretchen, Husband, Hansel, Gretel)

_Overture_: Orchestra

_My Side of the Story_: Gretchen, Company

_Incompetence Must Run in the Family:_ Gretchen

Scene Two: The Plot Thickens

(Gretchen, Husband, Hansel, Gretel, Annette)

_Scene Change Interlude 1_: Orchestra

_Boredom Reigns_: Hansel, Gretel

_Troubles with Twins_: Gretchen, Annette

_Making Due_: Gretchen

_Making Due (Reprise)/The Search_: Gretchen

Scene Three: Climaxes

(Gretchen, Edna, Hansel, Gretel)

_Entr'acte _or_ Scene Change Interlude 2_: Orchestra

_The Search Continues_: Gretchen, Hansel, Gretel

_The Brats_: Edna, Gretchen

Scene Four: Happy Ever After?

(Gretchen, Husband, Edna, Hansel, Gretel)

_Scene Change Interlude 3_: Orchestra

_My Side of the Story (reprise)/Finale:_ (Gretchen, Company)

SCENE ONE: The Beginning

**Orch. Music: Overture**

_(Lights come up GRETCHEN, sprawled luxuriously on a chaise lounge.) _

**MY SIDE OF THE STORY**

(Gretchen, Company)

**GRETCHEN: **Ah, hello there...I haven't seen you around here before. Out of town visitors, I'd guess? No? Well, what are you then? (beat) An _audience_? Ha! Well, welcome to the biggest show on off-off-way-off-Broadway. The title: _My Life Stinks_. But you probably know it by the more well known title: _Hansel and Gretel_. And you know something? I am sick and tired of those two little demons taking the spot light. Well, I mean I _was_ sick and tired of them stealing the fame. But I'll never have to worry about those little brats ever again. Because they're gone and they aren't coming back!

MY LITTLE CHILDREN

THEY ARE SO LOST, LOST, LOST

POOR LITTLE CHILDREN

INTO THE DEPTHS OF THE WOOD THEY'VE BEEN TOSSED

AND THEY AREN'T COMING BACK

THEIR LITTLE BODIES ROTTEN AND BLACK

THIS IS MY SIDE OF THE STORY

THE REAL WAY THAT IT GOES

MY SIDE OF THE STORY

THE ONE THAT NO ONE KNOWS...

It all started a few months ago. My family and I were living in a small, cramped cottage in the middle of the Deep Dark Forest. There was myself, Gretchen, the homemaker, and the only one with _any_ sense whatsoever. There was my husband—

_(HUSBAND enters.)_

We used to live in a nice suburb just outside of Berlin, but my husband, well, one day he decided...

**HUSBAND:**

MY DEAR, MY DEAR

THE LOGGING INDUSTRY IS THRIVING

AND HERE, OH HERE

WE ARE JUST BARELY SURVIVING

WE SHOULD MOVE

INTO THE WOOD

OUR BANK ACCOUNT WITH THRIVE

WE HAVE TO STAY ALIVE

AND WE'LL BE MAKING GOOD

**GRETCHEN: **So, we moved into that small cottage I told you about earlier. And then there are the children. Whoopee. Hansel, the boy, was not the brightest and his sister, Gretel; well...she wasn't much smarter. In fact, all they could do _well_ was eat. And that didn't do much for us, as we used up all our money buying those little black holes food.

_(HANSEL and GRETEL enter.)_

**HANSEL:**

MAMA, WE'RE HUNGRY

**GRETEL:**

MAMA, I WANT FOOD!

**BOTH:**

MAMA, MAMA, MAMA, MAMA

I'M NOT FEELING GOOD

YOU HAVEN'T LET US EAT

FOR SEVERAL WEEKS

AND NOW WE NEED SOME CHOW

WE NEED SOME FOOD

WE NEED SOME GRUB

AND WE NEED IT NOW!

**GRETCHEN: **If you had to deal with that everyday you'd be a little edgy too! So after spending all most of our money on moving and food for the demon-children, we settled into our new living quarters. But then, a few months later, the brick, a new invention, was put on display. Strong, aesthetically pleasing, and easy to manufacture, the brick was the architectural must-have. Needless to say, the logging industry plummeted severely. And since we had very little money, we had no way to even _try_ to make our way into the brick industry. We were virtually stranded in our little cottage in the big, dark wood. With our very last funds we bought a few measly satchels of seeds, gardening tools, and a small flock of chickens and built a small shed. And let me tell you, we were not very happy...

MY SIDE OF THE STORY

NOT THE MOST ENJOYABLE

MY SIDE OF THE STORY

THE ONE THAT'S NOW EMPLOYABLE

IN THIS TALE I WEAVE FOR YOU

YOU WILL SEE WHICH STORY'S TRUE

AND YOU'LL SEE MY POINT OF VIEW

MY SIDE OF THE STORY!

IT BEGINS...

_(GRETCHEN exits. Scene change to the kitchen. HANSEL and GRETEL are rummaging through the cupboards and HUSBAND is at the stove, adding ingredients into a steaming pot. GRETCHEN enters.)_

**GRETCHEN: **(_Yelling_) _What_ is going on here?!

**HUSBAND: **_(Looking up)_ Huh? Oh, well, dear, I just realized a new series of ingredients could be just what my beer needs. After I finish this, we'll be able to sell it in the market.

**GRETCHEN:** And what about the children...Look at them!

**HUSBAND: **_(Glances at children)_Oh, I guess I didn't notice them.

**GRETCHEN: **Hansel, Gretel! Get away from there. NOW!

**HANSEL & GRETEL: **Yes, mama.

_(THEY cross to table and sit.)_

**GRETCHEN: **Now, I want all of you to listen. Do you know what I do everyday? I gather eggs, I tend the garden, I harvest whatever crop we have in the fall, I clean, I cook, I look after you children, I do the laundry, I keep this house standing and I make sure that you three don't blow anything up, start anything on fire, or do anything else that could perhaps endanger our family anymore. Are there any questions?

_(HANSEL raises his hand.)_

**GRETCHEN: **Yes, Hansel.

**HANSEL: **Could we have something to eat?

**GRETCHEN: **_GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!!_

_(HANSEL and GRETEL run offstage.)_

**GRETCHEN: **How did my life end up being such a mess?

**HUSBAND: **Maybe—

**GRETCHEN: **Shut up! Go entertain the children.

_(HUSBAND runs offstage.)_

**Incompetence Must Run In the Family**

(Gretchen)

**GRETCHEN:**

AM I THE ONLY ONE

WITH ANY COMMON SENSE?

AM I THE ONLY ONE

WHO'S NOT COMPLETELY DENSE?

YES, I'M FAIRLY SURE

I'M THE SMARTEST OUT OF HIM, HIM AND HER

INCOMPETENCE

MUST RUN IN THE FAMILY!

MY HUSBAND, SON AND DAUGHTER

ARE IN A STATE OF STUPOR

THEY'RE STUPID, FAT AND LAZY

AND I AM SUCH A TROOPER

THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES

ANY SORT OF WORK

THE ONLY ONE WHO ISN'T

A CRAZY LAZY JERK

AM I THE ONLY ONE

WHO ISN'T MIGHTY DUMB?

AM I THE ONLY ONE

WITH A BRAIN THAT ISN'T NUMB?

YES, I'M QUITE CERTAIN

THEIR STUCK BEHIND A CURTAIN

OF STUPIDITY AND SERENDIPITY

YES, INCOMPETENCE

MUST RUN IN THE FAMILY!

WHAT I WOULDN'T GIVE

TO JUST SPEND A DAY

PAMPERED AND SPOILED

AND PUT ON DISPLAY

FOR ALL THE WORLD TO SEE

AND WHEN THEY DID THEY'D SAY...

SHE MUST BE QUITE A SMARTY

LET'S THROUGH HER A PARTY!

GET RID OF HER HUSBAND AND KIDDIES

WE'LL ALL SING A LITTLE DIDDY

ABOUT HOW GOOD SHE IS

SHE'S THE BEST IN THE BIZ

MOMMY DEAREST  
THE NEATEST  
THE SWEETEST

SING HOO--

**HANSEL:**_(From offstage)_Mama! I'm hungry!

**GRETEL: **_(From offstage)_Me too!

**HUSBAND: **_(From offstage)_...I am too, dear!

**GRETCHEN:**

HOORAY...

_(GRETCHEN sighs and begins to fix dinner. Blackout. END OF SCENE ONE.)_

SCENE TWO: The Plot Thickens

**Orch. Music: Scene Change Interlude 1**

_(Lights rise on GRETCHEN working in the almost barren garden. HANSEL and GRETEL are sitting by the chicken coop.)_

**Boredom Reigns**

(Hansel, Gretel, Gretchen)

**HANSEL:**

WE'VE EATEN ALL THE FOOD IN THE HOUSE

**GRETEL:**

WE'VE EVEN KILLED AND ROASTED A MOUSE

**BOTH:**

WE'VE GOT NOTHING TO DO

OUR LIFE'S SO DULL AND PLAIN

OH TELL US WHAT TO DO

WHEN BOREDOM REIGNS

**GRETCHEN: **Children, please, just wait a moment. I'm almost done tending to this waste of time...How about you go and play in the forest for a few hours.

**HANSEL: **No, that's boring!

**GRETCHEN: **Go harass the neighbor children.

**GRETEL: **We've already done that.

**GRETCHEN: **Here's an idea. Why don't you go play "Let's Hide in the Well"! That would fun _(to herself)_ and a completely mess-free way of getting rid of annoying brats!

**HANSEL: **No!

**GRETEL: **No!

**BOTH: **No!

**GRETCHEN:**

GO PLAY IN THE WOODS

GO SWIM IN THE LAKE

GO CATCH BUTTERFLIES

OR SOME DUCKLINGS AND A DRAKE

GO FIGHT OFF A DRAGON

THAT'S THREATENING THE TOWN

JUST GO SOMEWHERE ELSE

AND LEAVE ME WITH THE GROUND

I'M TRYING TO WORK

BUT YOU TWO KEEP PESTERING ME

I JITTER AND JERK

'CAUSE YOU TALK FESTERINGLY

WHY DON'T YOU GO

PLAY WITH DADDY'S BOW

SURELY YOU DON'T KNOW

HOW MUCH I WISH THAT

YOU WOULD DISAPPEAR!

**GRETEL: **No!

**GRETCHEN: **_(Giving up)_ All right, I will go try to scrounge up a few coins and we'll go to the market and buy you a ball. How does that sound?

**HANSEL & GRETEL: **Fine...

_(GRETCHEN exits.)_

**HANSEL:**

WE MUST WALK TO THE VILLAGE

BUT THEN WE'LL HAVE A BALL

**GRETEL:**

AND MAYBE WE COULD PILLAGE

WHILE WE'RE THERE AND CONQUER ALL

**BOTH:**

BUT THEN THAT WOULD GET BORING

LET'S JUST STAY HERE, OH WHAT THE DICKENS

HEY I'VE GOT AN IDEA

LET'S LET LOOSE THE CHICKENS!

_(HANSEL opens the door of the coop and the CHICKENS fly out and around the stage. GRETCHEN enters.)_

**GRETCHEN: **_WHAT HAVE YOU LITTLE MONSTERS DONE?!_

**HANSEL: **Oh, Mama, it was an accident. The chickens were looking sad so we opened the door to pet them and talk to them but they...they just flew out and went crazy!

**GRETEL: **We're sorry!

_(HANSEL and GRETEL make innocent faces at GRETCHEN.)_

**GRETCHEN: **Don't think you're going to fool me with those faces! Oh, I had best go try to catch the chickens. But don't think you're off the hook. Just you wait till I return home!

_(GRETCHEN exits. Blackout. GRETCHEN enters into the audience. SHE is carrying one chicken in her arm.)_

**GRETCHEN: **Oh, where are those other chickens?! _(Looks around, spots one)_ There's one!

_(SHE climbs back onto the stage. ANNETTE, the FAIRY GODMOTHER, enters, carrying a picnic basket.)_

**ANNETTE:** Oh, hello there young woman.

**GRETCHEN:** _(Dumbstruck)_ Young woman?! Ha! Why, it's been a long time since someone's called me that!

**ANNETTE:** Well dearie, compared to me you could be Little Red Riding Hood! I'm Annette, regular woman by day, Fairy Godmother by night. And my, what are you doing the woods my dear?

**GRETCHEN:** Oh, my wretched little children let our chickens out of their coop and I had to venture into this forest to find them.

**ANNETTE:** Oh my! Well, I'm sure they didn't mean to—

**GRETCHEN:** Ma'am, you don't know my children. They're _(beat)_ Hmm...what's the right word...

**ANNETTE:** Misunderstood?

**GRETCHEN:** No...

**ANNETTE:** Mischievous?

**GRETCHEN:** Not exactly...

**ANNETTE:** Impish?

**GRETCHEN:** More like...evil.

**ANNETTE:** Oh, my dear, I'm sure they'll grow out of it. And I'm sure that everything will turn out _just fine_.

**GRETCHEN:** I hope you're right, ma'am.

**ANNETTE:** _(Sitting down)_ Here, come have tea with me. It'll calm your nerves.

**GRETCHEN:** Well, all right. Just let me get rid of this...

_(GRETCHEN tosses the chicken off stage and sits next to ANNETTE. SHE opens the picnic basket and pulls a tea pot and two cups from inside.)_

**ANNETTE:** Now, you just relax and tell me everything that's making you so stressful. Go on now, it will help.

**GRETCHEN:** Well...

Troubles with Twins

(Gretchen, Annette)

**GRETCHEN:**

MY HUSBAND AND I HAVE TO CHILDREN

TWINS, ONE BOY AND ONE GIRL

AT FIRST THEY SEEM LIKE NICE YOUNG CHILDREN

BUT GIVE THEM THE CHANCE...

THEY'D DESTROY THE WORLD

I KNOW, I KNOW

IT SOUNDS SO BAD

BUT WITH MY CHILDREN

YOU CAN'T BE GLAD

THERE ARE TROUBLES WITH TWINS

EVIL GROWS FROM DEEP WITHIN

THEY AREN'T LIKE ASHLEY AND MARY KATE

WITH HANSEL AND GRETEL YOU SEE YOUR FATE...

**ANNETTE:** Oh, Gretchen, don't worry.

I'M SURE IT'S JUST A FAZE

A KIND OF NAUGHTY STAGE

THEY'LL GROW OUT OF IT SOON ENOUGH

YOU JUST HAVE TO BATTLE THROUGH THE ROUGH

IN JUST A FEW YEARS

YOU'LL CONQUER ALL YOUR FEARS

THAT INVOLVES YOUR LITTLE DEARS

THAT TIME IS NEARING

AS SOON AS THEY GROW OLD

YOU'LL BE BROUGHT OUT OF THE COLD

AND THEN YOUR FATE'LL BE SOLD

AND YOU'LL KEEP HEARING

MOMMY, I LOVE YOU

MOMMY, YOU'RE GRAND

AND HOPEF'LLY THEN—

**GRETCHEN:** Annette,

YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND...

**ANNETTE:** _(Checking her watch)_ My, my! Look at the time. I have to go, my dear, but I'm sure we'll meet up some time soon. And good luck with your children.

**GRETCHEN:** Thank you, I'll need it...

_(ANNETTE gathers her things and exits. GRETCHEN sighs and gets up. SHE exits. Lights come back up on the garden. The cottage is destroyed. HANSEL and GRETEL, now quite a lot larger, are lying next to the remains of the house. GRETCHEN enters. SHE sees the mess.)_

**GRETCHEN: **_(Long beat)_What happened here?

**HANSEL: **We...

**GRETEL: **Got...

**BOTH: **_Hungry_...

**GRETCHEN: **You _ate_ our HOUSE?! Are you...are you mentally wrong?!

_(HUSBAND enters, carrying a loaf of bread and a satchel of seeds.)_

**HUSBAND: **Hello! I got what you wanted dear, bread and see—

_(HE sees the destruction.)_

**HUSBAND: **_(Beat)_Have a bad day?

**GRETCHEN: **Your children—

**HUSBAND: **_My _children?! They're both of ours.

**GRETCHEN: **No, they are _yours_. They inherited _your_ stupidity! Anyway, the children ATE OUR HOUSE!!

**HUSBAND: **_(Beat)_They did..._what_?

**GRETCHEN: **First, they let the chickens loose and I had to go on a wild goose chase trying to find them and then I return to this!

**HUSBAND: **Well, what are we going to do?

**GRETCHEN: **Hansel, Gretel...Go roll yourselves somewhere else. I'd tell you to go to your bedrooms, but it seems as though you've devoured them. Go roll around in the wood...

_(HANSEL and GRETEL manage to get offstage.)_

**GRETCHEN: **Dear, I just had a marvelous idea. You take those two and bring them to the orphanage in the middle of the forest. We won't have to deal with them any longer!

**HUSBAND:** But Gretchen, dear, we can't just drop them off at an orphanage...They aren't orphans – we aren't dead!

**GRETCHEN:** Just lie, say we are. Lying is so much easier and usually more convincing than the truth, aren't I right?

**HUSBAND:** But—

**GRETCHEN:** Don't you want to just have a nice quiet life without the children...?

**HUSBAND:** That does sound nice, but...Well...

**GRETCHEN:** Well _what_?

**HUSBAND:** All right, I'll bring them to the orphanage.

**GRETCHEN:** Oh thank you dear! You are a life saver.

_(GRETCHEN skips off merrily. HUSBAND calls offstage :...)_

**HUSBAND:** Hansel! Gretel! Come along, we're going to go for a little walk in the woods. Hmm, maybe I should bring a bribe for the head of the orphanage, just in case they don't want the children.

_(HE picks up the loaf of bread at his feet. HANSEL and GRETEL enter.)_

**HANSEL:** Where are we going, Papa?

**GRETEL:** Somewhere nice?

**HUSBAND:** Um...yes. A nice little cottage in the woods.

**GRETEL:** Sounds nice.

**HANSEL:** I wonder...

**BOTH:** Will they have food there?

**HUSBAND:** Probably. Let's go, before it gets too dark.

_(HUSBAND, HANSEL, and GRETEL exit. GRETCHEN enters, carrying a broom.)_

**GRETCHEN:** The children are gone, gone, gone! Hoorah! Now, to deal with this mess here...Oh my goodness...where are we going to sleep?

_(SHE glares around the stage and spots the shed USR.)_

**GRETCHEN:** I suppose it'll have to do...

_(SHE exits into the shed. Scene change to the inside of the shed. GRETCHEN is picking through the junk. SHE drapes a blanket over a stool and places a flower pot on top.)_

**Making Due**

(Gretchen)

**GRETCHEN:**

I DON'T UNDERSTAND

HOW THOSE LITTLE KIDS

COULD'VE SURVIVED

AFTER WHAT THEY DID

THEY ATE A WHOLE HOUSE

IS THAT NOT ABSURD?

COULDN'T THEY'VE BEEN HAPPY

WITH A RAT OR A BIRD?

BUT WHEN TROUBLES ARISE

YOU JUST DO WHAT YOU DO

AFTER DOUBLE SURPRISE

YOU JUST HAVE TO MAKE DUE

MAKING DUE

THAT'S WHAT I'M DOING

THOUGH I DON'T HAVE A LOT

TO MAKE DUE WITH

MAKING DUE

LOOK-TO-THE-BLUE-ING

IT'S BETTER TO MAKE DUE THAN TO NOT

I'M MAKING DUE THE BEST I CAN

IT'S NOT THAT HARD

JUST FRESHEN UP YOUR ROOM

BING BANG BOOM

YOU'RE MAKING DUE

JUST DRAW YOUR CARD

AND MAKE SURE YOU USE IT RIGHT

AND IN JUST ONE NIGHT

YOU'VE MADE DUE

LIFE CAN BE SO STRESSFUL

WITH A NESTFUL OF LITTLE ONES

BUT LIFE CAN BE SO GRAND

WHEN THE LITTLE ONES ARE IN

SOMEONE ELSE'S HANDS!

_(Dance/Instrumental Break: GRETCHEN straightens up the shed.)_

MAKING DUE

THAT'S WHAT I'M DOING

IT'S SURE SOMETHING NEW

AND I'M MAKING DUE

THE BEST

I CAN!

_(GRETCHEN looks around the newly transformed shed. It actually looks nice.)_

**GRETCHEN:** There, isn't that better? Now, where is that husband of mine?! They left more than two hours ago. Oh la, he'll just have to make due. I'm going to sleep...

_(GRETCHEN lies down and falls asleep. SFX: Ticking clock. HUSBAND stumbles in and falls onto the floor next to GRETCHEN, who wakes with a start.)_

**GRETCHEN:** Oh my goodness, what took you so long?!

**HUSBAND:** We got lost. And I couldn't find the orphanage, so I just left the children in the woods with a loaf of bread. They'll be fine.

**GRETCHEN:** You did what?! Well...I guess it's not _all_ that bad...No, what am I saying. Even I know you can't just leave those two in the forest. They'll eat it, for gosh sake! I'm going to go find them...

_(HUSBAND has fallen asleep. GRETCHEN heaves herself up.)_

**Making Due (Reprise)/The Search**

(Gretchen)

**GRETCHEN:**

LIFE CAN BE SO STRESSFUL

WITH A NESTFUL OF LITTLE ONES

BUT LIFE CAN BE SO GRAND

WHEN THE LITTLE ONES ARE IN

SOMEONE ELSE'S HANDS!

BUT THEY'RE NOT

NO THEY'RE NOT

THEY ARE IN THE WOODS

UP TO NO GOOD

PROBABLY EATING EVERYTHING

ROCKS AND TREES

BIRDS AND BEES

ANYTHING THEY CAN DIGEST

WHAT I MESS

SUCH DISTRESS!

I'VE GOT TO FIND THEM

BEFORE THE LAND IS IN THEIR STOMACHS

I'VE GOT TO FIND THEM

AND BIND THEM DOWN

SO NOTHING BAD WILL HAPPEN

BECAUSE OF THEM

WHERE ARE THEY?

WHERE ARE THEY?!

THE SEARCH BEGINS

THE SEARCH HAS STARTED

I'M ODDLY COLD HEARTED

BUT DETERMINED

I HOPE SHE WINS

THAT'S WHAT YOU'LL SAY

AND BEFORE THE BREAK OF DAY

I'LL FIND THEM

I'LL FIND THOSE LITTLE BRATS

AND IF I DON'T

THE GOOD TIMES WILL BE IN THE PAST...

_(SHE ventures out into the forest. Blackout. END OF SCENE TWO.)_

**POSSIBLE INTERMISSION**

SCENE THREE: Climaxes

**Orch. Music: Entr'acte (??) OR Scene Change Interlude 2**

_(Lights rise on a deep forest. GRETCHEN enters, carrying a lantern.)_

**GRETCHEN:** Oh, where are those beastly little children. _(Calling)_ Hello? Hello?!

**The Search Continues**

(Gretchen, Hansel, Gretel)

**GRETCHEN:**

THE SEARCH CONTINUES

THE SEARCH GOES ON

I'VE BEEN TRAVELING FOR MILES

FOR SO LONG

THE SEARCH IS NEARING

A JOYFUL CLOSE

I HOPE

I HOPE...

_(GRETCHEN ventures further into the forest. HANSEL and GRETEL enter, obviously lost.)_

**BOTH:**

OUR SEARCH CONTINUES

TO FIND OUR HOME

OUR FATHER LEFT US

IN THESE WOODS ALONE

WE'VE BEEN HEARING

SUCH FEARFUL SOUNDS

HELP US

HELP US...

_(THEY begin to exit.)_

**GRETEL: **I'm hungry...

_(THEY exit. The remains of a gingerbread house appear, with HANSEL and GRETEL lazily chomping on a candy cane support beam next to it. EDNA, the witch, is pacing back and forth, in a state of rage.)_

**EDNA:** You wretched, wretched children! Look what you've done to my beautiful house!!

_(GRETCHEN enters, still searching. SHE hears EDNA.)_

**GRETCHEN:** _(Gasps_) A witch! Most likely _wicked_. I'd best not be seen.

_(GRETCHEN ducks behind a bush.)_

**EDNA:** I leave for one minute, _one minute_ and look what I come home to! I...I don't know what to do. Now, don't you move! Don't take one more bite of my poor, poor house. You annoying brats!

**GRETCHEN:** Now where have I heard that before...?

_(An echoing voice is heard :...)_

**ECHO VOICE:** (Gretchen's) You annoying brats!

**GRETCHEN:** Oh yeah. But I only call... _(Realizes. SHE barges out from behind the bush.)_

**HANSEL & GRETEL:** _(Moan)_

_(GRETCHEN crosses to EDNA.)_

**GRETCHEN:** Excuse me ma'am, but who ate your house?

**The Brats**

(Edna, Gretchen)

**EDNA:**

THOSE BRATS

THOSE VANDALS

I JUST CAME HOME

AND SAW THEM CHOWING DOWN

IT'S SUCH

A SCANDAL

YOU LEAVE THEM ALONE

AND THEY EAT YOUR HOUSE TO THE GROUND!

AT FIRST GLANCE,

THEY LOOK DELIGHTFUL

**GRETCHEN**: I know...

**EDNA: **

GIVE THEM CHANCE

THEY TURN OUT FRIGHTFUL

**GRETCHEN:** You don't have to tell me!

**EDNA:** Oh, do you know them?

**GRETCHEN:** Erm, yes, they are my children. They ate my house as well. It seems like a bad habit they've developed.

**EDNA:** _Your _children? But you're much to kind.

**GRETCHEN:** Well, actually, they're my husband's. You know how men are.

**EDNA:** Yes, I know...By the way, I'm Edna Krubsack

**GRETCHEN: **Gretchen Goldschmidt. Oh I just feel terrible about this!

I TOLD MY HUSBAND DEAREST

TO TAKE THEM TO THE NEAREST

ORPHANAGE

BUT THAT'S TOO HARD FOR HIM

I TOLD MY HUSBAND SWEETEST

BUT I COULD HAVE DONE IT NEATEST

DRAG 'EM DOWN AND GIVE 'EM BOTH AWAY

BUT IT'S _HIS_ FAULT, THAT'S WHAT WE'LL SAY!

**EDNA:** Oh, I like that idea! Blame it on your husband!

**GRETCHEN:** Of course!

**EDNA:**

BUT, BUT, BUT

WHAT WILL I EAT?

THEY'VE DEVOURED MY CANDY GARDEN

I SHOULD'VE CALLED THE WARDEN

WHEN I SAW THEM PIGGING OUT

THEY ATE MY LOLLY-POPPIES

AND ALL MY CANDY CORN

I TRIED TO MAKE THEM STOP

HE'S MADE ME SO FORLORN

SHE'S MADE ME CRY AND MOURN

I KNOW

**GRETCHEN:**

YOU KNOW

**BOTH:**

YOU/I WISH THEY'D NEVER

BEEN BORN...

THE BRATS!

**GRETCHEN:** Well, I have to say I do feel somewhat responsible for this, even if they are my husband's children. But, I have an idea. I need to get rid of these children before I get pushed off the edge and you need to eat. They've fattened up nicely, so what's say we eat them? I know, it's very prehistoric and wicked, but cannibalism is actually quite popular over in Asia. Very...Zen!

**EDNA:** Well, I suppose it wouldn't be too bad, after a good, long roasting. And we can have them with a side dish of garlic mashed potatoes. I got the recipe from the last Marta Stuverthausen catalog. They are quite good with Big Bad Wolf-Pot-Pie.

**GRETCHEN:** Sounds good to me! But how to demise those little devils...I've got it! _(Calling to HANSEL and GRETEL)_ HANSEL! GRETEL! Look, a cotton candy castle!!

**HANSEL:** Where?!

_(HANSEL and GRETEL waddle offstage. GRETCHEN picks up a large slab of toffee and SHE chucks it offstage. There is a dull thud and a little girl's scream. EDNA tosses the head of a candy cane boomerang-style offstage and there is another dull thud.)_

**GRETCHEN:** _(Beat)_ Good aim!

**EDNA:** Thank you!

**GRETCHEN:** Now, let's cut them up, box them up, you gather what's left of your garden and we'll hit the road. We'll go back to my place and build a huge mansion and live there forever and ever.

**EDNA:** What about your husband?

**GRETCHEN:** I have a plan. Don't you worry!

_(GRETCHEN and EDNA exit. Blackout. END OF SCENE THREE.)_

SCENE FOUR: Happy Ever After?

**Orch. Music: Scene Change Interlude 3**

_(Lights come back up on GRETCHEN sprawled on the chaise lounge, in the same spot as the beginning of the show.)_

**GRETCHEN:** And so, Edna and I returned to my home that evening. As for my husband...

_(In a spot lighted section of the stage, HUSBAND enters.)_

We told him that there was a magic Beer Fountain just over the Tallest of Tall Cliffs. He immediately left, hoping to bottle enough to make a fortune at the market. Of course, there really was no Beer Fountain and he fell to his miserable death, involving sharp rocks, sharp glass, and not so sharp wits.

_(HUSBAND falls off the cliff. Spot light down.)_

And so, Edna and I built a mansion out of brick, wood, candy, and the newly invented steel – the industry was skyrocketing, I can tell you – and we hired maids, butlers, and any other service imaginable so the Witch and I would never have to leave the house. We just lived here in luxury for a good, long time and did we ever come out? (Beat.) Not yet.

**My Side of the Story (Reprise)/ Finale**

(Gretchen, Company)

**GRETCHEN:**

THE PLAY IS OVER

THE STORY'S ENDED

AND AREN'T YOU GLAD

YOU KNOW THE REAL WAY

THESE THINGS GO?

_(CAST enters.)_

**GRETCHEN:**

YOU CAN'T ALWAYS BELIVE

WHAT YOU HEAR

**HUSBAND:**

YOU CAN'T ALWAYS BELIVE

WHAT PEOPLE TELL YOU

**HANSEL & GRETEL:**

PEOPLE MAY TELL YOU LIES

PULL THE WOOL OVER YOUR EYES

**EDNA:**

BUT DON'T BELIEVE THEM

OR YOU'LL END UP CONFUSED

**ALL:**

LIARS WILL LIE ALL YOUR LIFE

CAUSE YOU SADNESS

CAUSE YOU STRIFE

JUST IGNORE THEM AND

THE TRUTH WILL SOAR

AND YOU'LL END UP

LEARNING MORE

JUST KNOW THE TRUTH

WILL ALWAYS BE YOUR GUIDE

STRETCH YOUR WINGS AND

LIFT YOU TO THE SKY!

**GRETCHEN:**

YOU CAN'T ALWAYS BELIEVE

WHAT YOU HEAR

**EDNA:**

YOU CAN'T ALWAYS BELIEVE

WHAT PEOPLE TELL YOU

**ALL:**

PEOPLE MAY TRY DECEPTION

CAUSE YOU GRIEF AND APREHENSION

YOU MIGHT SNAP FROM ALL THE TENSION

JUST TRY TO START RELAXING

BEING NERVOUS IS QUITE TAXING

AND, OH MY GOSH, THE PLAY IS ALMOST DONE!

DON'T BELIEVE WHAT YOU HEAR AT FIRST

OR YOU MAY JUST BOOM AND BURST

KNOW THE TRUTH AND YOU WILL HAVE MORE FUN!

_(Black out.)_

**END OF PLAY**


End file.
